Look, I told you what happened, okay? So just drop it.
Yeah, okay. Sure thing, Lloyd. Sure thing.
I promise not to mention another word
about you being in a bathroom
with a 6'4" trucker with his pants down.
Hey, look. We're almost in Colorado.
What do you say we change seats?
I've been driving for nine straight hours.
I don't have the energy to start a new state.
Why should I do you any favors?
I'll let you kiss me.
I swear...
I'm gonna... I will take your...
I'm... I swear to God I'm gonna take your...
- Aw, come on... - Don't touch me.
Oh, okay.
I'm done. Okay, enough.
Hey, guys. Whoa, Big Gulps, huh?
All right.
Well, see you later.
Hey, Harry,
I got some beef jerk...
Some people just weren't cut out for life on the road.
Hey!
I was wondering when you were gonna get up.
Ha!
Well, how long have I been out?
I'd say a good five hours.
Huh! I expected the Rocky Mountains
to be a little rockier than this.
I was thinking the same thing.
That John Denver's full of shit, man.
I'm only human, Harry!
Anybody can make a mistake.
Come on, stop being a baby!
So we backtracked a tad!
A tad?!
A tad, Lloyd?
You drove almost 1/6 of the way
across the country in the wrong direction!
Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen!
We don't have enough money to get home!
We don't have enough money to eat!
We don't have enough money to sleep!
Well, it's not gonna do us any good
to sit here whining about it.
We're in a hole.
We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.
Okay, all right. You're right.
You're absolutely right, Lloyd.
Where're you going?
Home. I'm walking home.
Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Perfect!
I guess I forgot
that you never, ever make a mistake!
Harry!
Wait up!
Got room for one more if you still want to go to Aspen.
Where did you find that?
Some kid back in town.
Traded the van for it straight up.
I can get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog.
You know, Lloyd, just when I think
you couldn't possibly be any dumber,
you go and do something like this...
and totally redeem yourself!
Ha ha!
- Still wanna go to Aspen? - Oh, yeah!
- Okay, let's go, buddy! - Super!
- Lloyd, no! West! Go west, Lloyd! - Oh! Oh, yeah.
I've got to... I've got to stop
to go to the bathroom.
Just go, man.
Oh!
That sure is warm.
We're there.
Got a little nippy
going through the pass back there.
Isn't this incredible?
- What more could two single guys want? - How about some food?
I swallowed a big June bug when we were driving.
I'm not really hungry.
Well, I'm starving.
Ho... Jeez, look at the butt on that.
Yeah.
He must work out.
Hey! Why don't we get busy
and deliver the briefcase to Mary?
If I know her as well as I think I do
she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
Good plan. Where does she live?
I don't know.
What's her last name? I'll look it up.
Uh...
You know, I don't really recall.
Starts with an "S."
S-swim, Swamie, S-slippy, Slappy,
Slimin, Solmon, Simin, Sal,
Swenson, Swanson?
Maybe it's on the briefcase.
Oh, yeah! It's right here.
Samsonite! I was way off.
I knew it started with an "S" though.
I'm not seeing it here, Lloyd.
She must be unlisted.
Great.
So what are we supposed to do now?
I can't feel my fi-fingers anymore.
They're-they're- they're numb.
Ooh. Maybe you should wear these extra gloves.
My hands are starting to get sweaty.
Extra gloves?
You've had this pair
of extra gloves this whole time?
Yeah. We're in the Rockies.
I'm going to kill you.
- What? - I'm gonna kill you!
- I'm gonna kill you, Lloyd! - Calm down!
Right now, I'm gonna kill you!
Harry, you got that crazy look in your eye!
I know what I'm going to do.
- What are you doing? - I'm going to do something
I should have done a long time ago.
Don't do anything foolish, Harry!
What? Foolish? This isn't foolish!
I'm going to toss this damn curse
right into that damn pond!
Aah!
- I'm going to do it! - No, Harry!
Harry!
Your hands are freezing!
Aah! Ugh!
Harry, look!
Look! Look!
Okay, here's the plan:
We borrow a few bucks... just a small loan from the briefcase
- and we find some reasonable lodgings. - Good plan.
And we'll keep track of all the money we spend with IOUs.
We'll be meticulous, right down to the last penny.
- Whatever we borrow, we pay back. - Absolutely.
- We're good for it. - Our word is our bond.
This is the Hotel Danbury
Presidential Suite, gentlemen,
normally reserved for royalty,
visiting dignitaries,
illustrious stars of stage and screen.
We have shortly coming the Emperor and Empress of Japan,
and of course, Princess Charles and Di when they were together
used to frequent the hotel constantly.
We'll take it!
There you go.
- There you go. - Thank you, sir.
There you go.
Hi.
Rain brought them to him.
My mother was Sarah Carver.
Although at the time, he wasn't sure
he wanted to accept the gift.
Nick, do you think he'll let us stay?
No, this place is ugly, anyway.
You and me, we're a family.
I promise never to give you away.
And no one's ever going to break us apart.
At Pacific Bell, we believe that's pretty special.
- Wow! Boy, this is livin', huh? - Yeah.
- What's on next? - I don't know.
Let me look it up.
Ah!
Lloyd, you okay?
Harry, it's Mary!
It's who?
Mary with the briefcase.
Mary Swanson.
Swanson!
- Wool hast anool... - "Host annual."
- Host anewl... annual... - Annual.
"Annual meeting of..."
t-t-t-heh...
t-he... t-he...
- The. - Oh.
- "The Inter..." - Yeah. It's a big one.
"International Preservation Society tomorrow night."
Well, come on, Cinderella.
We've got to get you ready for the ball!
Yeah!
Thanks, Barn. There you go.
Thank you, sir.
Okay okay okay.
- Ha! - Cripes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Agh!
- Time out! - Okay.
Excuse me. Gentlemen, this is a $500-a-plate dinner.
- Good night. - Oh, 500... oh, okay. No problem.
Here. Put us down for... put us down for four.
In case we want seconds.
Jesus Christ. It's them.
- Them who? - Them,
the guys who whacked Mental.
Can't you just feel it, Harry?
This is our big chance, man.
All we gotta do
is show a little class, a little sophistication,
and we're in like a dirty shirt.
That's no problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic...
oh, look at the funbags on that hosehound.
I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans
and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Come on, let's go get a couple bowls of loudmouth soup.
Yeah.
Hey, bartender,
- two martinis, please. - Yes, sir. Right away.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
The Aspen Preservation Society
is the world's foremost defender
of 23 endangered species,
and it is with tremendous honor
that we're able to bring Mr. Swanson forward
to introduce us to the 24th. Everybody...
Karl.
Thank you, Nick.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Icelandic snow owl.
These magnificent specimens constitute one seventh
of the snow owl population left on the planet.
And God willing, with your help
and that of the Society's,
these wonderful creatures will flourish once more.
Thank you again and enjoy your evening.
Can I have some pistachios, please?
And another one of those.
Lloyd, what are you doing? Would you calm down?
I've never seen you so nervous.
Keep an eye on 'em, Shay. Keep a close eye.
I'm ready for a commitment, Harry.
The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson,
I just got that old-fashioned romantic feeling
where I'd do anything to bone her.
That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Oh my, there she is.
Wow! You weren't kidding, Lloyd.
She's an angel!
Well, what are you waiting for?
Get over there and talk to her.
She's just going to think I'm some kind of a psycho
when she finds out how far I came just to see her!
You know what you have?! Her briefcase!
She's gonna be thrilled to see you.
Wait. I have an idea.
Why don't you go over
and introduce yourself?
And that way, you can build me up
so I won't have to brag about myself later.
Tell her I'm rich
and, uh, I'm good-looking
and, uh, I have a rapist wit.
No, I don't know. I don't think I could... no.
- Come on, please. - No, I'm not...
- Please! Please! - Okay okay okay. Stop.
What are you gonna do?
I'm going to hang by the bar,
- put out the vibe. - Okay.
Nice set of hooters you got there.
- I beg your pardon? - The owls, they're beautiful.
Oh.
Yeah.
Are you a bird lover?
Me? Oh, no. Well, I used to have a parakeet...
- Ah. ...but now my main area of expertise
is, uh, canines...
"dogs" to the layperson.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
- I love dogs too. - Oh.
- So how are you involved with them? - Oh, you know,
I've trained them, bathed them, clipped them.
- I've even bred them. - Oh, really?
- Any unusual breeding? - No.
Mostly just doggy-style.
One time, we successfully mated
a bulldog with a shih-tzu.
Really? That's weird.
Yeah. We... we called it a bullshit.
Oh, I'm... anyway, the real reason
I came over here was to...
I've got to introduce you to a buddy of mine.
- I don't believe I've met your friend. - Oh.
Well, actually, we haven't been properly introduced.
- My name is Mary Swanson. - Hi, Harry Dunne.
Hi. Nice to meet you. This is my stepmother Helen.
Hi. Harry Dunne. Pleasure to meet you both.
Mm-hmm. Well, I saw you come in.
I was hoping I'd get a chance to meet you.
- You were? Really? - Yes! That tuxedo, it's fabulous!
Really. I love a man with a sense of humor,
and so does Mary. It's hysterical!
- Really? - Oh, yes.
Oh. Anyway, um, about my friend...
What are you doing tomorrow? I believe that Mary
is looking for someone to hit the slopes with.
She... what? Huh?
Helen, you're embarrassing me.
Well, you are. I mean, after all,
the snow's going to be gone in a couple of weeks.
and, well, this may be your last chance.
Poor thing, she never gets a chance to get out.
Well, what do you say, Mr. Dunne? Are you available?
Well, I don't know. See, my friend...
Oh, forget your friend for one day.
I think you kids'll have a wonderful time. What do you say?
Well, you know, I don't know, you know.
You know, the thing... part of... sure.
What time? Ahem...
How come you didn't bring her over?
Relax. You're golden.
- I got you a date with her tomorrow. - Oh.
- What... I... this... - Yeah.
- I love you, man. - Okay okay.
- You're kissing me. - I love you.
- I love you! - You're kissing me. Lloyd!
This calls for a little of the bubbly!
- You're going to be my best man, Harr. - Oh, good.
- I promise. - Thank you.
You have just earned yourself a seat
at the head table, pal. And we already got the tuxes.
Gracious sakes!
Good grief! - Boy, this party really died.
Hey, maybe it was a coincidence.
It was a message, Shay, pure and simple.
I mean, we killed their bird.
Now they killed one of ours.
How could anybody whack a bird with a cork?
These guys aren't just anybody.
They're good.
Mary Christmas.
Mrs. Mary Christmas.
- Kinda catchy, huh, Harr? - Yeah yeah, that sounds nice.
But, Lloyd, don't you think you might be jumping the gun a little bit?
I mean, you know, who knows?
You know, maybe, once you get to know her
you'll find out that she's not your type.
Hey!
Don't you ever say that again!
She is the love of my life!
The blood in my veins!
We belong together...
till the mountains fall into the sea,
till the heavens collide!
Or until I get sick of her and need to move on.
- You hear me?! - Okay okay okay okay. Just calm down.
Just calm down.
Okay.
Now...
let me get this straight.
Lobby bar in the lobby.
Yeah, and that's what she said.
She'll meet you there at 10:00 sharp.
- Okay. - Okay.
Where're you going in that get-up?
Oh. I... you know, I just thought, you know,
when you'd be off making your love connection
I'd be out trying my luck on the slopes.
You mean you're gonna go out in public
dressed in tights?
Oh no, these aren't tights, Lloyd.
These are fashionable Euro-trash ski trousers.
Pretty revealing.
Really?
Yeah, but it's just a tiny lump.
No one'll notice.
You're right. I can't go out dressed like this.
Hey!
Coming!
Hey!
Nice going, buddy!
Ma'am.
Beautiful outfit, sir.
There you go.
Hey. How you doin'?
You're a little early.
We don't open for about 45 minutes.
I'm meeting someone here.
- Mind if I wait at the bar? - No. Come on in.
It's a beautiful day, huh, Harry?
Yes yes, I've had a wonderful time so far. Thank you.
God, it feels so good to get up here.
I haven't been outside that much in the last couple weeks.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Um, there's been some family problems,
but I don't want to bore you with those.
Thanks.
Oh, look. Frost.
Harry?
- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah,
I do this all the time.
Let's go to the top this time.
- Hi, there. - Ugh...
Say, kids,
you wouldn't happen to have
a cup of warm water, would you?
Yuck.
Excuse me.
Is it 10:00 A.M. yet?
It's 1:00.
That's what I have too. Thought maybe it was fast.
She's running late, huh?
Just a couple hours. You know girls.
When they're excited about something,
everything has to be perfect.
This one's on me.
Yippee.
Chablis, please.
Hello.
Bad day, huh?
Me too.
'Course everything's been bad
since I broke up with my boyfriend.
Oh my God.
My God! You poor guy. Does it hurt?
I'm fine. I saved a seat for you.
Oh no, listen. This is silly. Let me help you.
No no no no no.
Yes. It'll only hurt for a moment, like a Band-Aid.
- Come on, ready? - No no no no. No.
Come on. Go.
Come on, come on.
Pfft.
What am...
I said to myself, "Run, Beth.
Run for your life before this man kills you both."
Then do you know what the klutz did?
No, and I don't care!
I'm going to tell you, He came home one night dead drunk
and decided he wanted to fix the sink.
Couldn't believe him.
Anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you.
- How come you're here? - Bartender!
Yeah?
You wouldn't happen to know a Mary Swanson, would you?
Mary Swanson? Yeah.
She comes in here all the time.
What's that supposed to mean?
She has dinner.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Uh...
you know where she lives?
Yeah, her family has the big place up on Alpine Drive.
Alpine Drive? Big place?
No way!
That's great!
We landed on the moon!
I've gotta tell you,
today was just what I needed. Thanks a lot, Harry.
Blell, blit blas...
it was my pleasure, Mary.
So you'll pick me up tonight at 7:45?
Well, no, I've got a few things
to take care of first.
Why don't we make it quarter to 8:00?
Stop it!
Okay 7:45.
Bye.
Doesn't make any sense, Lloyd.
She told me 10:00 sharp!
Are you sure you went to the right bar?
Oh, yeah. Yep. I'm pretty sure.
Lobby bar. Right in the lobby.
Ahh... well...
maybe she just had a change of heart.
Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off!
I hate when women do that, you know?
She wanted to see you again!
She told me that! And now no?
Now... wait a minute! Wait!
She must have meant 10:00 at night.
Do you think?
Why would she have you meet her at a bar at 10:00 in the morning?
I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.
- Oh, that's th... - And all this time,
I've been going through such pain and personal anguish.
Such hell! For nothing!
Oh, God. That's funny.
Oh, that's good stuff. Oh, boy.
Well, listen, looks like you got your night planned,
so I'm just going to head out and catch a flick.
Okay.
10:00 in the morning.
Hey, Harry, old buddy, old pal!
Yeah?
Will you join me in a good-luck toast before you head out?
Oh, sure thing. Whatever you think will help your chances.
Yes, sirree.
You know why I like you, Harry?
Because you're a regular guy.
Yep, that's why I want you to stay regular.
1/2 teaspoon for fast, effective relief.
Mmm!
To my friend Harry... the matchmaker.
Oh, get out of here. I'm... I've...
Mmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Hi, the door's open. Come on upstairs.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi, make yourself at home, okay?
I'm almost ready. One minute?
- Okay, sounds good. - Okay.
Harry, are you in there?
Be right out!
I hope you're not using the toilet. It's broken.
- Huh? - The toilet doesn't flush.
No, I was just shaving.
Shaving?
Yeah, I was running a little late.
I thought this would save some time.
Okay well, I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready.
Oh, Jeez!
Tomorrow on "A Current Affair,"
inside the home of the Menendez brothers' attorney.
And next, we'll be back in a minute
with the heartbreaking story of the blind Rhode Island boy
who was duped into buying a dead parakeet.
I just thought he was real quiet.
Who are these sick people?
- Hi! - Hi.
Yes?
Remember me?
Uh... not really.
Providen... Providence.
I drove you to the airport last week.
Oh my God!
Uh... Lloyd, right?
You remembered my name.
What are you doing in Aspen?
I brought you your briefcase.
You left it at the airport, you big goof!
- You have my briefcase? - Yeah.
Hey, I have it at my hotel room.
You want to jump on the bike with me? We can go get it
unless... unless you're busy.
Oh, no no no! No no!
- I don't wanna... - You just wait right here.
- Okay. - Okay?
Come on, flush, you bastard!
Harry, what are you doing in there?
I'm just... I'm cleaning my teeth!
I'm cleaning my teeth.
I'm gargling.
Just give me a minute, Mary. I'll be right with you.
Harry, I'm sorry, but something important's come up,
and I've got to run out.
It's-it's sort of an emergency. I'll explain later.
- But, Mary... - I'm sorry. I've really got to go.
I promise we'll do this again sometime.
Race you to the top.
- Come here. - Agh!
Yeah! Ha ha!
I won!
Look familiar?
I don't believe it. You really have it.
Of course, I have it.
When Lloyd Christmas drives a woman to the airport,
he makes sure she gets all her luggage.
- That's my whole philosophy. - This is incredible.
You mean to say you drove 2,000 miles
just for me?
Uh... I didn't really have a lot to do.
And I know how frustrating it can be
to lose a bag.
That is so sweet, Lloyd.
Look, Mary, I know this may seem a little sudden,
but I've given it a lot of thought.
You're the woman I've been waiting for my whole life,
and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Please... Let me finish.
I'm crazy about you.
I've never felt this way about anybody.
Listen to me.
I feel like a schoolboy again,
a schoolboy who desperately wants
to make sweet sweet love to you.
Oh, I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Mary, I-I...
I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.
- Maybe I should be going. - No no...
No, I... that's not what I meant.
Um... what I meant was, um...
God.
I-I like you, Mary.
I like you a lot.
I want to ask you a question straight out, flat out,
and I want you to give me an honest answer.
What do you think the chances are
of a guy like you and a girl like me...
ending up together?
Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say.
We really don't...
Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight!
I came a long way just to see you, Mary.
Just... the least you can do is level with me.
What are my chances?
Not good.
You mean not good, like one out of 100?
I'd say more like one out of a million.
So you're telling me there's a chance!
Yeah!
I read you.
Hi. We have plenty of towels. Thanks.
Nicholas! What are you doing here?
I've been looking for you, Mary.
I have some news about your husband.
Husband?! Wait a minute!
What was all that one-in-a-million talk?
Aren't you going to invite me in?
Hey, Harry, you never called!
What are you doing here?
Excuse me, gunman, who are you?
Don't play dumb with me, asshole!
I'm the rightful owner of that briefcase you've been carrying around!
Oh. Well, then...
Nicholas, my family trusted you.
Shut up!
Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase...
my friend Harry and I have every intention
- of fully reimbursing you. - What?
You open it up. Open it up!
Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says.
Hurry.
What is this? What is this?
Where's all the money?
That's as good as money, sir.
Those are IOUs. Go ahead and add it up.
Every cent's accounted for.
Look. See this?
That's a car. 275 thou.
Might want to hang on to that one.
You're a dead man. You're a dead man!
Lloyd, I'm home!
Look, we've got to have a serious talk.
I got a confession to make.
Oh, good. You found her.
I'll leave you two alone.
No. Stay.
Ugh!
Yes, I'd like a one-way ticket to Amsterdam
departing as soon as possible, please.
How do you guys know each other?
We used to be best friends.
Yeah, until he turned into a backstabber.
Me a backstabber? You got a lot of nerve.
You knew I was crazy about her!
And you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher,
and that didn't stop you, did it?
- What do you mean? - What do you mean?
Don't deny it, Lloyd.
Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler.
Okay, what time does it... what time does that leave?
Thank you... wait a second.
Can I have a vegetarian meal?
I guess we both learned a little something
- about each other today, didn't we? - Yeah, you said it, pal.
Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought we were.
I guess not.
I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart like this,
then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn.
Maybe we should call it quits right now.
You just tell me where to sign, bud.
Right on my ass after you kiss it!
Kiss it?! You kiss mine!
Both cheeks, both lips, right here!
- Put it right... - Shut up!
Now, which one of you losers wants to get it first?
Over here...
I was the one that got you into this whole mess.
Come on and shoot me.
No! Wait! Wait. No no, do me first.
I stole your girl, Lloyd. I deserve it.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
- No, you don't... - Yes, I do!
Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life.
Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg.
Okay, kill him!
Oh! Oh, no!
You killed my best friend, you bastard!
If it's any consolation,
you're about to be reunited.
Harry! You're alive!
And you're a horrible shot.
Lucky me.
Police! Open up! Nobody move!
Everybody freeze! Get those hands up!
Not you, dummy!
Get the gun.
Special Officer Beth Jordan, FBI.
Hey! Who? But... huh?
Mr. Dunne, thank you very much.
We couldn't have done it without you.
We've been following you guys
all the way from Providence.
What's going on, Harry?
Your name is Harry, isn't it?
Yeah, she-she grabbed me down the lobby, explained what was up.
Then they slapped this bulletproof vest on me
and gave me a gun.
But what if he shot you in the face?
What if he shot me in the face?
That's a risk we were willing to take.
How come I didn't get a gun?
Did you get a gun?
You were right, Lloyd.
She was definitely worth the trip.
Yeah. She's something, ain't she, Harr?
I'm glad we were able to help her out.
- Honey! - Easy easy.
- You're okay. - Okay, I'm just a little sore.
I'm sorry. Oh, sweetie.
Oh, baby, I missed your loving.
Honey, there's someone I want to introduce you to.
He's the kindest, gentlest man I've ever met.
- Will you meet him? - Sure.
He's got a gun!
Lloyd? Lloyd!
Huh?
I said this is my husband Bobby.
- Oh. Hi, Bobby. - Hi.
- I'm so happy for you. - Thank you.
Thank you both very much.
I owe you both a debt of gratitude.
Thank you.
I can't believe this, Lloyd.
First Mary dumps us,
then the cops take our nest egg.
- Then our hog breaks down. - Yeah!
When are we ever gonna catch a break?
Hi, y'all.
Hi, guys! We're going on a national bikini tour,
and we're looking for two oil boys
who can grease us up before each competition.
You are in luck!
There's a town about three miles that way.
I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Okay. Thanks.
Bye!
Do you realize what you've done?
- Hey! - Lloyd!
Lloyd!
You'll have to excuse my friend.
He's a little slow.
The town is back that way.
Wow.
Two lucky guys
are gonna be driving around with those girls
for the next couple of months.
Yeah, don't worry.
We'll catch our break too.
- Just gotta keep our eyes open. - Yeah.
- You're it. - You're it.
You're it. Quitsies.
You're it. Anti-quitsies, double-stamp.
You're it. Anti-quitsies, triple-stamp.
- No erasies, none at all. - You can't triple-stamp.
Yes, if you have a double-stamp, of course you can.
You can't triple-stamp!
You can't if you have a double-stamp!
You can't triple-stamp... the rule!
You can't triple-stamp a double-stamp, Lloyd!
Lloyd! Lloyd!